Just checking in with myself about my life till date and how closely it is lining up with my intentions and also what I am learning as I pursue these goals.

Nourish my body
I have been doing ok with this. I have actually been faithful to my exercise program and have made many eating changes, however I still have struggles in this area. Some days I realize that I am somewhat at war with food. As I have seen my body change, at times I find myself not looking as food as fuel but as something dangerous, something unwanted…clearly a necessary mind shift is in order. So I have to reiterate my intention. To nourish myself, with food, exercise, love and affirmation. To look at myself through new eyes that know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Beautiful in every way.

Be in motion
Boy o boy…Life is amazing isn’t it? I have been in so much motion, I tire. LOL! I have found some incredible new opportunities. Thank you! Now I pray for the strength and creative energy to see all these goals through.

Live my life
Well it sounds easy enough right. Simply don’t die. I have chosen life. I choose life, everyday. And on some days that has meant letting go of past shame and hurts and even expectations that hold me in a dark place. Even thoughts that kill me slowly. Negative self monologues and even dialogues with people who bring me down for whatever reason. Sometimes I have had to close the door on people I love but who for whatever reasons (some of these are my own hangups) bring bitterness into my life. Kind of like a death in the pot. Some people have had to let go of me. And I have had to accept that. Living my life, I have found also entails letting others live theirs; however warped I may believe their choices to be.

I have also found that living involves accepting pain. I am learning to shut the door on bitterness but I am coming to accept that pain is sometimes part of being alive. The dead don’t feel pain. Pain is a tool that I am learning to harness to get my life back in balance. I am learning to accept imperfect situations and while I work, pray and move towards making them better, I am learning to be ok with the fact that it may hurt sometimes, I may cry sometimes and as I said in an earlier post, life may suck sometimes. So I choose life again in all its complexities.

Be prayerful
Ain’t God good y’all! I love God. I love him! And I am learning how to pray. I thought I did before but He is taking me to a new level. A while ago, something was weighing heavily on my mind and I started to pray. Typically after I praise and worship God for being God then I launch into my needs and sometimes it gets quite heated! Well, this time, I was in deep need. Some of my past choices have placed me in difficult spaces and challenging places, c’est la vie…Anyway, I started my tirade, but my mouth was not in agreement and my heart had also been at the same meeting. All I could do was praise and thank God for all that I have and am. For almost a full hour, I was singing, dancing and talking. Thank you. Thank you. What shall I say onto the Lord! And what an experience it has been. I pray as I am walking, standing, cooking, laughing, going up the mountain, going down the valley, if you were on stone mountain recently you may have seen a strange looking woman boogeying down the mountain and singing aloud to Sammie Okposo’s gospel music, well that was me, talking to my daddy…Y’all can stare but you don’t know where I am coming from and you certainly don’t know where I am going…as eyes have not seen, neither have ears heard!

And quite simply love…
This is a continual work in progress. Loving myself is the first work and it involves far more than I realized. More than making good choices, though I am learning that, more than detoxifying physically, emotionally and more, though it is necessary, more than letting go of my baggage, though I have finally come to terms with the fact that I don’t need anything in the numerous boxes that are in my garage that haven’t been opened in years. Not even the old photos…not really. Loving myself is a work…in progress. But I am learning to accept myself, limitations and talents with equal fervor. To question myself when I make choices that are bad for me and do the work of understanding what led me there and also to recognize that it is a slippery slope I am climbing up and if I allow the wrong actions and people to pour oil on my path then I will slide down into a pit of self doubt, fear and ugliness. But hey, thank God for hiking boots!

Loving others is even deeper. However I have decided that first things first, no matter how narcissistic this may seem. The Bible says love your neighbor as you love yourself, well if the love you have for yourself if less than or warped then that is what you will give your neighbor…which is why so many of us hurt each other I think. Because we are filled with self hate and as such can only give that to others. I spoke recently to a woman who was so judgmental it became hard for me to continue the conversation. She kept saying people like that and talking about how she was so righteous. It was hard to keep talking because quite frankly I saw a bit of myself in her and made some resolutions right there and then but also because the more she tried to paint a picture of perfection, the more I could see how she really didn’t like herself enough and soon it was like looking at someone naked and since I am not really a voyeur, I was out…

So it is all a work. But I am willing to do it. Little by little, step by step. I recognize that I will have good days and bad days and probably will pass some tests and some may not score as high in but small, small abi…nwayo, nwayo, ka anyi na lacha ofe di oku…One eats a hot soup, slowly…

What are your intentions? How are you moving towards your goals? What are you learning about yourself?
It is never too late to start the process. You don’t have to wait for the beginning of another year. This moment this instant is an opportunity for you to choose life, love and faith. It is a chance to choose to be well.

Love u, love me!
Be well.

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