Sometimes, I have people send me email asking me for my advice on a particular topic. I usually respond via email but I would like to start a new trend here at life, love and faith and post the question with the identities protected and my advice, so you guys can show and share love to each person as well.

I recently got a note from a young woman that made me so sad. I could read her pain through the words. She told me that she had been involved with a man for 4 years and that they had a child together. This man sang in the choir at church and acted like a christian. She noted that he had a problem committing and then she said he had been cheating on her and had other women. He had even admitted to it. Then she asked me what she should do?

This was when I sighed.

I know to many of you this might look simple and straightforward. Some of you might shout “Ode!” and counsel her to get out of the relationship and shake your heads at how silly women can be.

My sister, I understand where you are coming from. You had a hope and a dream and because you have a child with him, every time you look at her, you feel even more hopeful that he can become the husband and father you need.

My darling. Count it all joy that you are not married. And now I am going to tell you the truth. You should end this relationship.

I believe in the transformational power of love but in this case, your love cannot save him. Jesus already sacrificed his life for us. If he sings in the choir he should know this already. Dear heart, your choosing to sacrifice your life as well, won’t help him.

You sent me his name and details. Perhaps you hope that if I publish it, you can shame him into doing right. My dear you can’t. If what you say is true, then this man has a deep soul problem. Something is deeply wrong that is beyond you. You didn’t create the problem and you can’t fix it. You can’t pray it away or fast it away. It will take him deciding to change and having a real encounter with God.

To be honest, the fact that this man is a professed christian is even more troubling. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. If he claims to fear God, yet conducts himself in such a manner without concern or respect for his creator, then why do you think he will act better because of you? The bible says that he who commits adultery is at war with his own soul. So please my dear understand that this is his problem not yours.

If you marry him, you will sign yourself up for a lot of pain and heartache. Sure there are women who have done it before you and some of them have even lived to see the men change. In fact I know of two men who were incorrigible cheats who have now become faithful pastors. But I don’t say this to encourage you on your path. If he doesn’t want to marry you, then please, thank God for the amount of grace he is showing you by not allowing you to even be tempted to marry him. These women that saw their husbands changed are not without deep wounds. The kind of wounds that only God can heal. The kind of wounds that can take you over the edge if not for the grace of God.

Please let go. Don’t try to manipulate him into marrying you because you think it will redeem you. It will not. It will only cause you deep pain as the chances are that he will continue his adulterous lifestyle. He is cheating on God now, a christian man, who should know that nothing is hidden from God. A man who should have an understanding of the pain he causes Jesus who was already crucified for us and yet he is willing to lie, deceive and cheat? He is willing to cheat and destroy himself for the love of flesh? My dear,this wahala pass you, please don’t add problems to your life.

I know women who are standing. Standing because like you they have children and they know the damage divorce can have on children. I myself am a product of parents who despite their best efforts couldn’t go the distance in marriage and while I have a relationship with both of them, I will not lie and say I am not scarred somewhat, so I know your concern about raising a child as a single mom. I know your concern about your child’s future. I said I know women who are standing. This is true but the difference between them and you is that they are married and you thankfully are not. I used to say that marriage was a bed that once made you should lie in, but a wise man told me that actually marriage was indeed your bed, so you must decide how to make it. So I guess despite the actions of their husbands they are deciding to make it as best they can. Judge them if you like, I believe that they are doing the best they can, the best way they know how. Yes, they fast for the hope of his salvation but also to keep their minds sane, they pray for his transformation but also so bitterness doesn’t consume their hearts and spirits. It is a difficult place to be in, fraught with tears, pain and disappointment. Do they have doubt? Absolutely. Do they wonder if they should chuck it all, after all the bible says adultery is the reason one can divorce. They know this. Yet they surrender to grace.

You are not these women. You are free. I know you may think you are damaged goods because you have a child and are single. But let me assure you, that you are not. You may have made a choice that wasn’t part of God’s will for you, (If you haven’t, please put your hands up - I have both hands up, I have made many bad choices that I am still dealing with) but choosing to cover one bad choice with another will not help matters. And you are not damaged goods. God loves you! Remember how God spoke to Hagar through an angel in Genesis 21 vs 17. He told her to stop crying, that he had heard the child’s voice and that he would make a great nation out of his descendants. And this was after Abraham and Sarah had kicked her out like nothing more than used tissue.

You might be feeling that dejected. That rejected. God has seen your tears. It doesn’t matter if this man doesn’t. Take your eyes of him and focus on God. It is the same God who is the lover of your soul. This same God is the pillar of your life. This same God has proved himself faithful even when we are faithless. He has heard your child’s voice and he has a plan to prosper her and give her a hope and a future.

Your happiness and your child’s future are not contingent on this man. They are contingent on God and your relationship with him. Let go of your anger and disappointment and refocus on the God who kept you this far. Yes, my dear…this man hurt you and badly, but if you choose to seek vengeance and be unforgiving then you are choosing to hurt yourself and also your child. You can love him. Yes you can, but love yourself enough to let go and let God.

Focus on the most High, for He cares for you.
and for that matter so do I.

My darling girl. Dry your eyes. I know your pain. But today is a new day. Look outside, the sky has not fallen, the sun is still dancing and God has been kind enough to allow you breath in your body and a beautiful child in your life. Celebrate where God is taking you. He will not leave you to fall. He will lift you up and heal you and He will show you the path you should go, if you listen and hear his voice.

Go and be well, my dear. I am praying with you.

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